The Fruit of Expectation

Not too many entries ago, in my entry titled Silver Linings, I wrote that God had used the time that I was sick to revitalize my spirit and free me from the chains of my own expectations.

I also confessed recently that my mind and my body are usually in go-go-go mode, keeping me from being fully present and aware and BLESSED by each moment.    I confessed that yoga had helped me find my center and calm, to be fully present in the moment and what I'm doing - it helped me figure out how to stop my mind's endless activity and just be.

I don't know if you, the reader, fully grasp how difficult mono was, and still is, for me!  It took what yoga did for me, mentally, on a small scale, and impressed it upon me large-scale - physically.   The two weeks I spent as a virtual fixture of my own couch were rough.  I was forced to lean on God.  The busy-ness of my life ceased.  I did only what I needed to do, whether it was my business, my lifegroup, my family and friends.  I was exhausted easily and napped frequently.  I battle anxiety, and it can be especially bad when I don't have the opportunity to be physically active.   Even now, weeks later, I still have days where I'm just wiped out - zero energy - and I feel horrible because nothing around my house gets done, client updates go unread, and workouts are missed.

I was battling a case of the post comp blues when I got sick, and that lead balloon that sank my heart - that mono diagnosis - was certainly not helping improve my attitude.  I saw piles of laundry and dishes as a testament to how horrible my housekeeping skills were.  I was irritated I couldn't run the errands and be as efficient at knocking tasks off my to-do list as I usually was.  I was disappointed I couldn't do the little things I take pride in doing for others.  I was angry - no, PISSED - that I couldn't work out.   All of those negative emotions added up in a big way and began to change the way I saw myself - how I valued myself and where I found my worth.

One day last week, in frustration, I was pleading my case before God.  I was tired of being sick and without energy.  I missed the gym.   I missed my life.  And most importantly, I was letting people down.

"Who are you letting down?"  

As plain as day, I saw the thought in my mind.  I finished my prayers, but I got my journal back out and wrote a few thoughts down, including that phrase.  I came back to it several times over the course of the day, and now, reading through my journal, I can see that I prayed about it quite a bit, too.  

It was just this past Friday that I realized I was the only one with expectations of me.  My husband hadn't expected a clean house or me to surprise him with dinner.  My little girl was content to be curled up on the couch reading books all day, and my clients and lifegroup sisters were content with the effort I could give them.  My coach wasn't upset with me that I couldn't get in a workout.  I had been shown mercy and compassion at every step.  It was my own expectations that created feelings of disappointment or discouragement, and it is my own expectations that hold me back in so many other areas of my life.  I have found myself discouraged because I expected things to go a certain way; I have found myself angry because I expected other people to behave differently than they did; I have been disappointed because I expected to receive things I didn't.  

The fruit of expectation is disappointment - in fact, I believe disappointment grows in the space between expected outcomes and actual outcomes. (For you math junkies, like me, that looks like this:  Perceived/expected outcome - actual outcome = DISAPPOINTMENT.)  I expected to transition to my offseason plan without much weight gain and with heavy squatting again.  I am by no means even close to overweight, but I haven't stayed as lean as I'd hoped, and I'm just now doing body weight squats without pain.  That certainly created some disappointment for me.  When I was sick, I took the time to look over my goals from last year, and I can say that out of the 10 or so I set, I only met three.  At first glance, I was frustrated because I expected to achieve my goal - 3 out of ten ain't great, ya'll.  If you're a math junkie, too, you know that's 30%.  I get upset with myself when I lose my temper with Kenna.  "She's only two, Felicia...way to teach your toddler love and compassion."  I expect myself to be a better wife.  I get angry and I lose my cool - like every human on earth does at one point in their lifetime - but I expect more of myself, and that unmet expectation breeds shame.  

Proverbs 16:9 in the GNT reads "You may make your plans, but God directs your actions."  In the NLT it is written, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  

What an incredible reminder.  God has a plan for me, but I can't see it.  I'm very guilty of being given a glimpse of my future - of His wonderful plan for me - and running wildly ahead of Him, of getting out of His will and plans.  I can make my plans, but God directs my steps.  He knows where He is taking me, and His plan is always better than anything I'm capable of doing on my own.   

I've learned two very important things in the past few weeks.  The first is that expectation - like all things in life - isn't a bad thing or a good thing.  It simply is what it is.  As I looked back over my 2013 goals, most of them unmet, I realized that although I didn't earn IFBB pro status...I learned a lot about myself, I found a new passion for competing, and I found a federation where I feel I finally fit and I can have fun.  As a wise man named Garth once sang, "thank God for unanswered prayers!"  If I'm so set on achieving and fulfilling my expectations for my life that I'm not open to other ideas or new goals, one of two things are going to happen.  

1.  I'm going to miss out on the incredible plan God has for me.  

2.  I'm going to create and foster negative feelings about who I am and where my worth comes from.

I don't know about you, but sometimes the fruit of expectation was bitter for me.  The awesome truth, though, is that it doesn't have to be that way!  I'm ready to harvest different fruits, and that means letting go of my own expectations and trusting God.  It means being constantly aware of who I am, WHOSE I am, and what my purpose is.  

The other very important lesson I learned stems from the yoga.  I believe when God presents us with a lesson repeatedly, it's important.  Take note.  Share about what it taught you so that others might find comfort in what you've learned.  Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us" (1:4 NLT).  One of the things God revealed to me over and over, beginning with the yoga class, is that I have to slow down.  Enjoy life.  Stop the thought trains, stop the activity, and just be.  I've been spending a lot of time doing it and it's made me lighter on my feet.  It's brought peace to me.  It's good for the soul and the spirit.  I am worthy because of who I am in Christ, not because of performance and certainly not because of perfection.  Being able to find peace and joy in simply being drove that lesson home for me.  Part of the reason for the delay of this entry was I just felt silly sharing all of this...but I read through Corinthians the other day, and I was convicted.  If He has comforted me through this lesson - then surely I must share so others might be comforted. 

Until next time...

TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH

F