On Anniversaries and Progress: 2013

Oh boy...it's been a hot minute since I posted!  As I sat down a few days ago to give my two year old and me a fresh pedicure, I realized just how hectic life has been.  I was long overdue for that pedicure, and the TEN loads of laundry I washed, dried, folded, and put away last weekend were a huge reminder of the state of my household:  chaotic and messy!  But, 'tis the season, and the reason for the season: Jesus,  love, and loving your neighbor!  I spent time with family and friends, I got away on a little vacation with extended family, I made holiday treats, and of course, I spent time selecting a few gifts for some very special people in my life.  I've also stayed active, lifting and doing yoga, but I'll be honest -  I didn't find an activity to do for Fueled by Faith in December.   I didn't have a lot of time, and I did my best to balance my life.  At the end of the day, I did pretty well with that, and that is a huge victory for me.

Today is a special day for me.  It marks exactly one year since I began training with my current coach, Layne Norton.  I found out on December 6th that I was going to be working with him, but between him needing my information and my hesitancy to start (and stick with) something so new to me - counting macros and flexible dieting - my first official day "on-plan" was December 29, 2012.  

You might have noticed I said I "found out" I was going to be working with Layne.  I didn't actually hire Layne.   If you want my honest opinion of how our partnership came to be, my answer is simple:  it was  God thing.

I have done every single one of my preps on my own, with the exception of USAs in the summer of 2012.  I had briefly hired a coach early in 2012, but I realized quickly it was a mistake.  We didn't see eye to eye on training methodologies, and I couldn't sell out to him - I didn't trust him with my body.  After winding down my 2012 competition season, though, I knew I needed someone I could trust.  I never got too crazy with cardio or nutrition, but I did do some of the things I cringe at now - 90 minutes of steady state cardio 3+ times a week, ridiculously low carbs, lifting lighter, no sodium, "clean" eating.  I have learned the error of my ways!  I digress.  My metabolism wasn't trashed but I wasn't on a good path, and balance was a thing of the past.  Eat/binge cycles, gaining ridiculous weight in the offseason, a horrible relationship with my body image and food - it had to stop.

I actually applied for a few sponsorships, and checked out a few coaches locally who I knew employed flexible dieting/IIFYM/balanced approaches, but I never found the right fit.  Of course, everything was prayerfully considered.  I remember being disappointed when I wasn't selected for the sponsorship.  I remember the words I prayed both before and after the winners were announced, and I remember being hugely disappointed.

Not long after that, on a forum for female physique athletes, a friend of mine posted that she was giving away a ten week nutrition and training program with Layne.  Now, obviously I knew who Layne was.  You  had to live under a rock to not know this guy.  But I didn't feel worthy of his services, and I had never even considered hiring him.  For crying out loud, this guy had worked with Ava Cowan.  I have her freakin' poster in my bathroom as motivation!  I didn't feel like I was of the caliber and quality of athlete that Layne freakin' Norton would work with.   I didn't put my bid out in the thread on the topic, because I felt like it was such a small chance.  I did email the woman doing the giveaway to tell her how selfless she was being, and privately I told her what a good opportunity it would be for someone and told her I wanted it.  In the end, I was given the ten weeks.  It changed my life forever.  I don't think that woman - Staci - or Layne realize just blessed I was by that decision.  It was a God thing.

I compared my progress photos a few weeks ago - the ones I started with and the most current ones.  I'm not fond of sharing pictures of myself in less-than-stage condition, but I know it definitely interests the reader.  Here they are, side-by-side:

The first photo was taken 1/4/13, just a few days after starting with Layne, and the second was taken 11/28/13, my most recent progress pic.

There have been times in my journey where I felt discouraged, disappointed, and a failure.  Most recently, when I wasn't able to squat and having put on more weight than I expected post-show, I had all but given up in my heart.  In fact, as I looked at my life in general, I didn't achieve the things I expected to or even wind up close to where I'd anticipated - not in my business, not in my ministry, not in bodybuilding.

These pictures, though - they changed my perspective.  I HAVE improved.  I have lats!  I have a booty!  I have shape, I'm leaner, and I learned so much.

It's funny to me that so many people think they need to obtain self discipline or motivation to begin taking care of their bodies.  The truth is, the physical training has not only strengthened my body, it's strengthened my mind.  If I had never worked with Layne, I wouldn't have been able to find balance again.  It takes work, and there are times when it's anything but easy - but I have managed to strike a balance between motherhood, marriage, work, ministry, play, and my passion - bodybuilding.  As I look back on my  year, I know that this was all part of God's incredible plan.  I know that all the things Layne has taught me - the greatest of which is balance - are preparing me for even greater things.   I'm not looking for perfection, I just want to make progress.  I'm not afraid of setbacks, only of not standing up after I fall.  I no longer battle the woman in the mirror.  I love her, and I appreciate all of her glorious strengths and weaknesses.  (For more empowering, motivational stuff, you have to visit my teammate Brooke's facebook page.  It's good stuff!)

When I began this journey, I saw myself as a fitness role model and athlete with great faith and Christian values.  My goals were shaped around this, my plans where formed on this basis - but as I sit here, writing this now, I know in my heart I was so short-sighted.  Today, I know in my heart that someday, I want to be a minister.  I don't know where, or to whom I will minister - I just know that I will.  I love people.  I have a heart for women, and my passion is fitness.  A year ago, I only saw that as physical wellness - but today, I view health and fitness as a whole - mind, body, and spirit.    My business has direction.  My ministry has direction.  I am not where I expected to be, but I have made progress, and I have clearer vision and direction about where I'm going.  I realize I'm in preparation for something incredible, and time spent in preparation is never time wasted.

In the past year, I've gained the knowledge and guidance I need to achieve my bodybuilding goals...but I've also gained so much more than that.   I have the drive and fortitude to step out and go confidently after the things of my heart, to pursue the things that make my heart pound and start the whispers of doubt.   This ministry thing - it's one of those things that creates whispers of doubt.  Before I accepted Jesus, I didn't make good decisions.  I wasn't the person I am today.  I know that people who knew the woman I was will doubt I truly am the woman I've become.  The woman the critics and doubters knew...she would have wavered in her belief of herself and not pursued the desires of her heart.  The woman I am and the woman I'm becoming - she isn't afraid.  I've grabbed hold of that fear and tossed it aside.  I'm moving confidently - BOLDLY - in the direction of my future and dreams in 2014.

Today, on the anniversary of a seemingly small change in my life, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful to God for his blessings and his ways, which are greater than mine, and I'm thankful to Jesus for the gift of salvation and for creating in me a pure heart.  I'm also incredibly thankful to Layne - for teaching me to pursue my goals confidently, for helping me believe in myself, and for restoring balance.

There are lots of changes comes.  Look for new blog entries here, soon!, and changes to my facebook page to keep you up to date.  Until then...

TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH

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The Fruit of Expectation

Not too many entries ago, in my entry titled Silver Linings, I wrote that God had used the time that I was sick to revitalize my spirit and free me from the chains of my own expectations.

I also confessed recently that my mind and my body are usually in go-go-go mode, keeping me from being fully present and aware and BLESSED by each moment.    I confessed that yoga had helped me find my center and calm, to be fully present in the moment and what I'm doing - it helped me figure out how to stop my mind's endless activity and just be.

I don't know if you, the reader, fully grasp how difficult mono was, and still is, for me!  It took what yoga did for me, mentally, on a small scale, and impressed it upon me large-scale - physically.   The two weeks I spent as a virtual fixture of my own couch were rough.  I was forced to lean on God.  The busy-ness of my life ceased.  I did only what I needed to do, whether it was my business, my lifegroup, my family and friends.  I was exhausted easily and napped frequently.  I battle anxiety, and it can be especially bad when I don't have the opportunity to be physically active.   Even now, weeks later, I still have days where I'm just wiped out - zero energy - and I feel horrible because nothing around my house gets done, client updates go unread, and workouts are missed.

I was battling a case of the post comp blues when I got sick, and that lead balloon that sank my heart - that mono diagnosis - was certainly not helping improve my attitude.  I saw piles of laundry and dishes as a testament to how horrible my housekeeping skills were.  I was irritated I couldn't run the errands and be as efficient at knocking tasks off my to-do list as I usually was.  I was disappointed I couldn't do the little things I take pride in doing for others.  I was angry - no, PISSED - that I couldn't work out.   All of those negative emotions added up in a big way and began to change the way I saw myself - how I valued myself and where I found my worth.

One day last week, in frustration, I was pleading my case before God.  I was tired of being sick and without energy.  I missed the gym.   I missed my life.  And most importantly, I was letting people down.

"Who are you letting down?"  

As plain as day, I saw the thought in my mind.  I finished my prayers, but I got my journal back out and wrote a few thoughts down, including that phrase.  I came back to it several times over the course of the day, and now, reading through my journal, I can see that I prayed about it quite a bit, too.  

It was just this past Friday that I realized I was the only one with expectations of me.  My husband hadn't expected a clean house or me to surprise him with dinner.  My little girl was content to be curled up on the couch reading books all day, and my clients and lifegroup sisters were content with the effort I could give them.  My coach wasn't upset with me that I couldn't get in a workout.  I had been shown mercy and compassion at every step.  It was my own expectations that created feelings of disappointment or discouragement, and it is my own expectations that hold me back in so many other areas of my life.  I have found myself discouraged because I expected things to go a certain way; I have found myself angry because I expected other people to behave differently than they did; I have been disappointed because I expected to receive things I didn't.  

The fruit of expectation is disappointment - in fact, I believe disappointment grows in the space between expected outcomes and actual outcomes. (For you math junkies, like me, that looks like this:  Perceived/expected outcome - actual outcome = DISAPPOINTMENT.)  I expected to transition to my offseason plan without much weight gain and with heavy squatting again.  I am by no means even close to overweight, but I haven't stayed as lean as I'd hoped, and I'm just now doing body weight squats without pain.  That certainly created some disappointment for me.  When I was sick, I took the time to look over my goals from last year, and I can say that out of the 10 or so I set, I only met three.  At first glance, I was frustrated because I expected to achieve my goal - 3 out of ten ain't great, ya'll.  If you're a math junkie, too, you know that's 30%.  I get upset with myself when I lose my temper with Kenna.  "She's only two, Felicia...way to teach your toddler love and compassion."  I expect myself to be a better wife.  I get angry and I lose my cool - like every human on earth does at one point in their lifetime - but I expect more of myself, and that unmet expectation breeds shame.  

Proverbs 16:9 in the GNT reads "You may make your plans, but God directs your actions."  In the NLT it is written, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  

What an incredible reminder.  God has a plan for me, but I can't see it.  I'm very guilty of being given a glimpse of my future - of His wonderful plan for me - and running wildly ahead of Him, of getting out of His will and plans.  I can make my plans, but God directs my steps.  He knows where He is taking me, and His plan is always better than anything I'm capable of doing on my own.   

I've learned two very important things in the past few weeks.  The first is that expectation - like all things in life - isn't a bad thing or a good thing.  It simply is what it is.  As I looked back over my 2013 goals, most of them unmet, I realized that although I didn't earn IFBB pro status...I learned a lot about myself, I found a new passion for competing, and I found a federation where I feel I finally fit and I can have fun.  As a wise man named Garth once sang, "thank God for unanswered prayers!"  If I'm so set on achieving and fulfilling my expectations for my life that I'm not open to other ideas or new goals, one of two things are going to happen.  

1.  I'm going to miss out on the incredible plan God has for me.  

2.  I'm going to create and foster negative feelings about who I am and where my worth comes from.

I don't know about you, but sometimes the fruit of expectation was bitter for me.  The awesome truth, though, is that it doesn't have to be that way!  I'm ready to harvest different fruits, and that means letting go of my own expectations and trusting God.  It means being constantly aware of who I am, WHOSE I am, and what my purpose is.  

The other very important lesson I learned stems from the yoga.  I believe when God presents us with a lesson repeatedly, it's important.  Take note.  Share about what it taught you so that others might find comfort in what you've learned.  Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us" (1:4 NLT).  One of the things God revealed to me over and over, beginning with the yoga class, is that I have to slow down.  Enjoy life.  Stop the thought trains, stop the activity, and just be.  I've been spending a lot of time doing it and it's made me lighter on my feet.  It's brought peace to me.  It's good for the soul and the spirit.  I am worthy because of who I am in Christ, not because of performance and certainly not because of perfection.  Being able to find peace and joy in simply being drove that lesson home for me.  Part of the reason for the delay of this entry was I just felt silly sharing all of this...but I read through Corinthians the other day, and I was convicted.  If He has comforted me through this lesson - then surely I must share so others might be comforted. 

Until next time...

TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH

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