Hey ya'll!! Life has been hectic for me! I just got back from a mini-vacation with my husband, which is always nice, and I've been investing some time in a few projects around the house (I'm a fall cleaner, not spring!) - add training clients, nutrition and training program planning for clients, my work with my lifegroup, and full-time mom and wife to that, and it doesn't leave much time for anything else. However, I did manage to find time to sit down this week and finally complete an over-due blog entry!
Some of you may know this already, but I'm coached by the incredible Layne Norton. In addition to his coaching services, being one of his clients opens the doors to an incredible team of people that he coaches or is affiliated with - Team Norton. I have some of the best, most encouraging teammates, and it is the closest thing to a "team" I've seen in the fitness industry.
Recently, one of my teammates, Jodie, posed us a question: If you could go back five years and tell yourself anything, what would it be?
Instantly I thought of the obvious answers - don't use drugs, don't marry your first husband, know your worth, believe in yourself, treat your body well...things that ANYBODY could have told me. In the days after Jodie posted that question, I couldn't get it out of my mind. It haunted me. What would I tell myself? Not the shallow things. Not the obvious things...if I could tell myself something, anything, of value, what would I say?
As I sat one evening building castles out of blocks with my little girl, TV blaring mindlessly in the background...I got my answer. The show "America's Got Talent" was on, and a choir sang Sarah McLachlan's Angel. That song, in particular, always brings mixed emotions for me. It had been one of my mother's favorite songs, and she told my sister and me many times she wanted it played at her funeral. We honored her request. I haven't been able to listen to it since...until last week. As I sat there, mindlessly stacking blocks, I listened to the words and felt as if I was hearing the lyrics for the first time.
My mom struggled with many things. She was in an car accident at 19 that burned her over 90% of her body with third degree burns and killed her best friend; the emotional trauma and resulting scars would erode her already low self-esteem away to nothing. She battled drug and alcohol addiction most of her life. I believe she was sober when she married my father, and probably remained so for about a decade. When she began a long, dark fight against mental illness, I believe the sobriety ended. She had more doctors than one person needed - a psychiatrist, a PCP, and eventually, because of back issues, a pain doctor and a surgeon. All of them were prescribing pills...and my mom was abusing them.
I have felt many things for my mother. Anger, frustration, rage, irritation, embarrassment, hatred - yes, hatred - and rarely...love. But that night, sitting in the floor with my own daughter and knowing the love I feel for her, listening to the lyrics of that song...I realized my mom had LIVED LIFE. Life had not been kind to her. It had beaten her down, pushed her back, thrown her challenge after challenge...and she did not give up. She had her vices, but she NEVER gave up. I know in my heart my mother loved me, but she was not perfect - nobody is. She made mistakes. In that moment, I could hear God telling me what I would tell myself five years ago:
"Love your mother for who and what she is, and stop hating her for who and what she isn't."
What it boils down to is compassion. I should have been compassionate.
I should have chosen to be understanding of what she was struggling with and the battles she fought in life instead of focusing on all her shortcomings. I should have understood that her shortcomings were directly related to the struggles and battles. I should have been compassionate.
In the book of Matthew, Chapter 14 begins by recounting the death of John the Baptist. Matthew writes, "As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14, emph. added).
Think about that for just a minute. Jesus's friend has died - brutally beheaded - and he is trying to slip away and grieve in peace. I'm sure he wanted to sit in quiet, to pray, to remember his friend. When he stepped out of the boat, he could have been irritated with these people who needed him to heal their sick, their lame, and their blind - he could have been angry that they bothered him when all he wanted to was to be alone. His response is astonishing. He heals their sick. He helps the people that most would have considered a bother. In the midst of his own pain and grief, he shows them compassion.
I can't go back and re-do my relationship with my mother. I will never get those years back, and truthfully, I don't know that there will be a day that goes by that I don't struggle with the guilt and regret of the way things played out between us. I can use what God has shown me and taught me in the past two weeks, though, to not make the same mistakes going forward. I can't whisper to a 22-year-old me the wisdom that can be gained only by living life...but I can hang on to that wisdom going forward. I will CHOOSE to be compassionate with people in my life, in spite of my own emotions or circumstances and regardless of how they've treated me. I will CHOOSE to love the people in my life for who they are and for what they are and I will CHOOSE to see the good in people, even when there seems to be no good left.
I hope you do the same.
Until next time...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
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