I promised earlier this week a post about why I've been so hit-and-miss. I think in order to explain that, I have to talk a little bit about balance.
I'm not any different than any other person in the world. I wear many hats - too many at times, I'm sure - and I have to find a way to strike balance between all my roles in order to be fulfilled and satisfied and not be neurotic and crazy. I'm a woman who has a personal relationship with Jesus; a wife, a mother, a lifegroup leader, a personal fitness & nutrition professional, a friend, household manager, I enjoy working out, and recently, I've come to love repurposing furniture and improving the interior design of my home. I also only have 24 hours in each day, 7 days per week, and 52 weeks per year.
Balance is important!!
Some of the ways I have found to strike balance include limiting my social media interaction time, as well as limiting my involvment. I have only a FB account. I don't Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or even use Pinterest anymore. I have to wake up early, know what my priorities are for the day, and be purposeful. Some days I'm an awesome mom. Some days, I'm an awesome lifegroup leader and wife and my mom role isn't as good as it could be. Some days, I'm focused on resting and recharging my batteries at home with Kenny and Kenna, and I let everything else slide until I'm ready to tackle it. Some days, I'm Wonder Woman and I do it all. (Coincidentally, those are the days I collapse into bed and hit snooze four times the next day.)
No matter what, though, I know what my priorities are each day: spending quiet time with Christ, spending purposeful quality time with Kenny and Kenna, and spending my one hour per day in my therapy, the gym. Depending on what's going on in life, I tend to cram a lot more in than just these few things, but these are the non-negotiables in my life.
Now that you have a little bit of understanding as to the balance of my life, I can explain why I've been posting less than regularly here.
I'm 9 days away from my second (and last) bodybuilding show of the year.
Prepping for a show is time-consuming. Training, cardio, posing, food prep, and all the little details that you have to sort out must be a priority. When you commit to a show, you commit to doing these things regardless of what life might throw at you. As a result, certain things in my life (like posting to this blog) have become less important to me than they were just a few short weeks ago.
In the past, I've always announced that I'm training for a show. I didn't this time, and I have several reasons as to why I didn't. First, I know several people in my church are uncomfortable or dislike my hobby. While I could not give two flips as to their opinion of me, I choose to be respectful of them and not flaunt my hobby in their faces. I also made the decision to compete in a different federation this go-round. I wanted to stay quiet about my decision until I'd informed my friends at the local NPC board, because I do have a long relationship with them.
My last two reasons to remain quiet are also the most important. I am FELICIA, who competes. I am NOT the COMPETITOR Felicia. I do not want to be defined by what I do. I also want people to know that you can do this with balance, and that it doesn't have to consume you. I have continued to eat healthy foods, have treats in moderation, and train consistently and intensely. It is my lifestyle. It is not a twelve week journey to the stage that strains relationships, restricts food groups, and causes my social life to become extinct.
The last reason I remained quiet about this prep is that I needed to have balance. In my quest to prepare for Team Universe earlier this year, I lost sight of everything but competing in the final three weeks. I was so focused on being incredible on stage and winning that I forgot about being incredible in the day-to-day moments. My relationships with my husband, daughter, friends, and yes...even Christ...they all suffered. Prep became my number one priority. My strained relationship with my husband, combined with a serious case of burnout from taking on too much, even caused me to step away from my lifegroup ladies for a few weeks. I stepped on stage in NJ looking better than I ever have in my life...but behind the hard body was a life that was less than ideal. I'm ashamed that I allowed myself to be so consumed by something so trivial, but I'm proud to say that this time, Christ has remained number one, followed closely by Kenny and Kenna, with everything else falling into place behind those top priorities.
As a result of my decision to prep in secret, this was the hardest prep of my life. Let me explain that: cardio and training and eating were easy. Not allowing prep to become number one, and retaining my priorities as they were before starting prep - THAT was hard.
I haven't been perfect this prep. I was as close to perfection as a human can possibly be in the Team U prep. I didn't miss a macro or give less than 110% in a training session. This time, I've been over on my macros and under a few times, too. I've been crunched for time in training, I've suffered injuries in training, and I've felt ho-hum at times about this show. I have made every effort to make progress, though, and to be consistent and committed to my goals, and I'm incredibly excited about the package I'm bringing to the NANBF St. Louis Gateway Naturals on October 5th. That hasn't stopped me, though, from feeling guilty about not "living to compete" these past 7 weeks or so.
Last Friday, during BFR training on leg day, I was reminded that I need Christ in my life. I need Him to make up the difference between what is expected of me and what I'm capable of. In some quiet time earlier this week, God spoke to me. He reassured me that my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety about being prepared to compete because I hadn't "lived for prep" were deceptive. I had done what He had asked of me. I lived my life with God first this time, and that is what matters. I needed Jesus more times than I can count in this prep, and because I've stayed close to him and kept him first, I've made it through in a way that has left my life full and blessed. Those guilty feelings have been laid to rest, and I'm feeling incredibly calm and ready to tackle a new stage and a new federation in just a few short days.
I can't promise you that I'll post between now and then. I can promise you, though, that I'll have some awesome photos and stories to share when I get back from STL. Until then...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Perseverance, Pain, and Trials of Many Kinds
Hey y'all...long time, no entry! So sorry. I'll post more about my hit-and-miss habits this week. Until then - I just want to give a heartfelt apology. I have had lots of thoughts to share, but not enough time to sit down and get them out in an organized, publish-able fashion.
I've been dealing with an injury. I have issues with my hips and knees because of alignment problems, and for the past six weeks or so it's really flared up. After trying to be a tough guy, I finally talked with my coach about it, and we changed up my training. The pain was so bad towards the end that I couldn't get my feet "set" to squat and couldn't push my hips back into a squat. I love training legs, and squatting is a staple in leg day. I knew when it got to that point, something had to give. I'm currently seeing a chiropractor, and doing some intense stretching and SMR (foam rolling). None of it is pleasant, but I anticipate I'll be squatting heavy weights again in no time.
The protocol I'm using is called blood flow restriction (BFR) or occlusion training. It is hands-down the most painful thing I've ever attempted in the gym. If you're interested in learning more about BFR, you can read Layne's article here. In the meantime, let me give you a little walk-through in the form of pictures. These are from my workout Friday. Don't mind the goldfish on the floor or the toys in the background. I'm a stay home mom who gets a workout in whether or not Kenna is sleeping. Sometimes, that means goldfish and toys while I'm doing my thing! In pushing past my own perceptions of pain thresholds, I learned a little something about life, and remembered why I came to love training in the first place.
If you know anything about weight lifting and the "pump", you know this was PAINFUL. If I'm completely honest with you, I wanted to quit so badly halfway through the first set that I was speaking Scriptures out loud to finish. I rested between sets and loosened the wraps, and every part of my body (but especially my thighs) was screaming, "Just rip the wraps off and go inside!". But...I didn't. I tightened those wraps back up and went back to work, forcing more blood into the already-full, already-screaming muscles. I rested again, resisted the urge the cry like a baby, and finished with a final set. I didn't die like I thought I might, and I'll be better in the long run because I had the discipline and courage to push through and finish.
I was reflecting on this later as I laid in my living room floor, wondering how I would accomplish all I had left to do that afternoon on legs that worked about as well as the legs of a newborn giraffe. A lot of times, life is exactly like my training session was that day. I knew after the first set that I was about to not only create some incredible pain, but also endure incredible pain. I also knew that if I desired to a better form of Felicia at some point in the future, I had to push through the pain and discomfort. I couldn't give in to emotions and quit. I couldn't rip the wraps off, throw my hands up, and say, "I'm done." Not if I wanted to be a better form of me, anyway.
Life is like that, too. Everyday we face situations that are uncomfortable or painful. We can choose to take a deep breath, brace ourselves, and face the discomfort head-on, or we can throw our hands up and walk away. I've discovered in my life that God shapes me and grows me most in times of discomfort. In James, it is written "Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trials and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God promised to those who love Him" (James 1:12 AMP). Paul writes many times in the NT of enduring hardships. Those circumstances are used to shape us and teach us about life. If I want to be a better form of me emotionally and spiritually - if I choose to MATURE in life - I'm going to have to choose to endure the trials and the pain.
Friday's gym session reminded me of why I found myself in love with lifting years ago: it reminds me of just how strong I am, both physically and emotionally. Discovering my physical strength began a journey of discovering my inner strength, and I have been surprised at the depths of both. In recent years, it has reminded me of just how much I must lean on Jesus to carry me through a trying time. I needed Jesus Friday. I needed to remember that even when I think I can't, even when I'm nearly sure I can't, I can through Jesus Christ in ALL THINGS. I needed that reminder in the gym, and I needed that reminder in life. I'll be sharing more on that later this week.
Until then...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
I've been dealing with an injury. I have issues with my hips and knees because of alignment problems, and for the past six weeks or so it's really flared up. After trying to be a tough guy, I finally talked with my coach about it, and we changed up my training. The pain was so bad towards the end that I couldn't get my feet "set" to squat and couldn't push my hips back into a squat. I love training legs, and squatting is a staple in leg day. I knew when it got to that point, something had to give. I'm currently seeing a chiropractor, and doing some intense stretching and SMR (foam rolling). None of it is pleasant, but I anticipate I'll be squatting heavy weights again in no time.
The protocol I'm using is called blood flow restriction (BFR) or occlusion training. It is hands-down the most painful thing I've ever attempted in the gym. If you're interested in learning more about BFR, you can read Layne's article here. In the meantime, let me give you a little walk-through in the form of pictures. These are from my workout Friday. Don't mind the goldfish on the floor or the toys in the background. I'm a stay home mom who gets a workout in whether or not Kenna is sleeping. Sometimes, that means goldfish and toys while I'm doing my thing! In pushing past my own perceptions of pain thresholds, I learned a little something about life, and remembered why I came to love training in the first place.
 |
| BEFORE |
 |
| After the first set |
 |
| After the second set |
 |
| After the final set |
If you know anything about weight lifting and the "pump", you know this was PAINFUL. If I'm completely honest with you, I wanted to quit so badly halfway through the first set that I was speaking Scriptures out loud to finish. I rested between sets and loosened the wraps, and every part of my body (but especially my thighs) was screaming, "Just rip the wraps off and go inside!". But...I didn't. I tightened those wraps back up and went back to work, forcing more blood into the already-full, already-screaming muscles. I rested again, resisted the urge the cry like a baby, and finished with a final set. I didn't die like I thought I might, and I'll be better in the long run because I had the discipline and courage to push through and finish.
I was reflecting on this later as I laid in my living room floor, wondering how I would accomplish all I had left to do that afternoon on legs that worked about as well as the legs of a newborn giraffe. A lot of times, life is exactly like my training session was that day. I knew after the first set that I was about to not only create some incredible pain, but also endure incredible pain. I also knew that if I desired to a better form of Felicia at some point in the future, I had to push through the pain and discomfort. I couldn't give in to emotions and quit. I couldn't rip the wraps off, throw my hands up, and say, "I'm done." Not if I wanted to be a better form of me, anyway.
Life is like that, too. Everyday we face situations that are uncomfortable or painful. We can choose to take a deep breath, brace ourselves, and face the discomfort head-on, or we can throw our hands up and walk away. I've discovered in my life that God shapes me and grows me most in times of discomfort. In James, it is written "Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trials and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God promised to those who love Him" (James 1:12 AMP). Paul writes many times in the NT of enduring hardships. Those circumstances are used to shape us and teach us about life. If I want to be a better form of me emotionally and spiritually - if I choose to MATURE in life - I'm going to have to choose to endure the trials and the pain.
Friday's gym session reminded me of why I found myself in love with lifting years ago: it reminds me of just how strong I am, both physically and emotionally. Discovering my physical strength began a journey of discovering my inner strength, and I have been surprised at the depths of both. In recent years, it has reminded me of just how much I must lean on Jesus to carry me through a trying time. I needed Jesus Friday. I needed to remember that even when I think I can't, even when I'm nearly sure I can't, I can through Jesus Christ in ALL THINGS. I needed that reminder in the gym, and I needed that reminder in life. I'll be sharing more on that later this week.
Until then...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
A True Story of Wisdom & Compassion
Hey ya'll!! Life has been hectic for me! I just got back from a mini-vacation with my husband, which is always nice, and I've been investing some time in a few projects around the house (I'm a fall cleaner, not spring!) - add training clients, nutrition and training program planning for clients, my work with my lifegroup, and full-time mom and wife to that, and it doesn't leave much time for anything else. However, I did manage to find time to sit down this week and finally complete an over-due blog entry!
Some of you may know this already, but I'm coached by the incredible Layne Norton. In addition to his coaching services, being one of his clients opens the doors to an incredible team of people that he coaches or is affiliated with - Team Norton. I have some of the best, most encouraging teammates, and it is the closest thing to a "team" I've seen in the fitness industry.
Recently, one of my teammates, Jodie, posed us a question: If you could go back five years and tell yourself anything, what would it be?
Instantly I thought of the obvious answers - don't use drugs, don't marry your first husband, know your worth, believe in yourself, treat your body well...things that ANYBODY could have told me. In the days after Jodie posted that question, I couldn't get it out of my mind. It haunted me. What would I tell myself? Not the shallow things. Not the obvious things...if I could tell myself something, anything, of value, what would I say?
As I sat one evening building castles out of blocks with my little girl, TV blaring mindlessly in the background...I got my answer. The show "America's Got Talent" was on, and a choir sang Sarah McLachlan's Angel. That song, in particular, always brings mixed emotions for me. It had been one of my mother's favorite songs, and she told my sister and me many times she wanted it played at her funeral. We honored her request. I haven't been able to listen to it since...until last week. As I sat there, mindlessly stacking blocks, I listened to the words and felt as if I was hearing the lyrics for the first time.
My mom struggled with many things. She was in an car accident at 19 that burned her over 90% of her body with third degree burns and killed her best friend; the emotional trauma and resulting scars would erode her already low self-esteem away to nothing. She battled drug and alcohol addiction most of her life. I believe she was sober when she married my father, and probably remained so for about a decade. When she began a long, dark fight against mental illness, I believe the sobriety ended. She had more doctors than one person needed - a psychiatrist, a PCP, and eventually, because of back issues, a pain doctor and a surgeon. All of them were prescribing pills...and my mom was abusing them.
I have felt many things for my mother. Anger, frustration, rage, irritation, embarrassment, hatred - yes, hatred - and rarely...love. But that night, sitting in the floor with my own daughter and knowing the love I feel for her, listening to the lyrics of that song...I realized my mom had LIVED LIFE. Life had not been kind to her. It had beaten her down, pushed her back, thrown her challenge after challenge...and she did not give up. She had her vices, but she NEVER gave up. I know in my heart my mother loved me, but she was not perfect - nobody is. She made mistakes. In that moment, I could hear God telling me what I would tell myself five years ago:
"Love your mother for who and what she is, and stop hating her for who and what she isn't."
What it boils down to is compassion. I should have been compassionate.
I should have chosen to be understanding of what she was struggling with and the battles she fought in life instead of focusing on all her shortcomings. I should have understood that her shortcomings were directly related to the struggles and battles. I should have been compassionate.
In the book of Matthew, Chapter 14 begins by recounting the death of John the Baptist. Matthew writes, "As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14, emph. added).
Think about that for just a minute. Jesus's friend has died - brutally beheaded - and he is trying to slip away and grieve in peace. I'm sure he wanted to sit in quiet, to pray, to remember his friend. When he stepped out of the boat, he could have been irritated with these people who needed him to heal their sick, their lame, and their blind - he could have been angry that they bothered him when all he wanted to was to be alone. His response is astonishing. He heals their sick. He helps the people that most would have considered a bother. In the midst of his own pain and grief, he shows them compassion.
I can't go back and re-do my relationship with my mother. I will never get those years back, and truthfully, I don't know that there will be a day that goes by that I don't struggle with the guilt and regret of the way things played out between us. I can use what God has shown me and taught me in the past two weeks, though, to not make the same mistakes going forward. I can't whisper to a 22-year-old me the wisdom that can be gained only by living life...but I can hang on to that wisdom going forward. I will CHOOSE to be compassionate with people in my life, in spite of my own emotions or circumstances and regardless of how they've treated me. I will CHOOSE to love the people in my life for who they are and for what they are and I will CHOOSE to see the good in people, even when there seems to be no good left.
I hope you do the same.
Until next time...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
Some of you may know this already, but I'm coached by the incredible Layne Norton. In addition to his coaching services, being one of his clients opens the doors to an incredible team of people that he coaches or is affiliated with - Team Norton. I have some of the best, most encouraging teammates, and it is the closest thing to a "team" I've seen in the fitness industry.
Recently, one of my teammates, Jodie, posed us a question: If you could go back five years and tell yourself anything, what would it be?
Instantly I thought of the obvious answers - don't use drugs, don't marry your first husband, know your worth, believe in yourself, treat your body well...things that ANYBODY could have told me. In the days after Jodie posted that question, I couldn't get it out of my mind. It haunted me. What would I tell myself? Not the shallow things. Not the obvious things...if I could tell myself something, anything, of value, what would I say?
As I sat one evening building castles out of blocks with my little girl, TV blaring mindlessly in the background...I got my answer. The show "America's Got Talent" was on, and a choir sang Sarah McLachlan's Angel. That song, in particular, always brings mixed emotions for me. It had been one of my mother's favorite songs, and she told my sister and me many times she wanted it played at her funeral. We honored her request. I haven't been able to listen to it since...until last week. As I sat there, mindlessly stacking blocks, I listened to the words and felt as if I was hearing the lyrics for the first time.
My mom struggled with many things. She was in an car accident at 19 that burned her over 90% of her body with third degree burns and killed her best friend; the emotional trauma and resulting scars would erode her already low self-esteem away to nothing. She battled drug and alcohol addiction most of her life. I believe she was sober when she married my father, and probably remained so for about a decade. When she began a long, dark fight against mental illness, I believe the sobriety ended. She had more doctors than one person needed - a psychiatrist, a PCP, and eventually, because of back issues, a pain doctor and a surgeon. All of them were prescribing pills...and my mom was abusing them.
I have felt many things for my mother. Anger, frustration, rage, irritation, embarrassment, hatred - yes, hatred - and rarely...love. But that night, sitting in the floor with my own daughter and knowing the love I feel for her, listening to the lyrics of that song...I realized my mom had LIVED LIFE. Life had not been kind to her. It had beaten her down, pushed her back, thrown her challenge after challenge...and she did not give up. She had her vices, but she NEVER gave up. I know in my heart my mother loved me, but she was not perfect - nobody is. She made mistakes. In that moment, I could hear God telling me what I would tell myself five years ago:
"Love your mother for who and what she is, and stop hating her for who and what she isn't."
What it boils down to is compassion. I should have been compassionate.
I should have chosen to be understanding of what she was struggling with and the battles she fought in life instead of focusing on all her shortcomings. I should have understood that her shortcomings were directly related to the struggles and battles. I should have been compassionate.
In the book of Matthew, Chapter 14 begins by recounting the death of John the Baptist. Matthew writes, "As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14, emph. added).
Think about that for just a minute. Jesus's friend has died - brutally beheaded - and he is trying to slip away and grieve in peace. I'm sure he wanted to sit in quiet, to pray, to remember his friend. When he stepped out of the boat, he could have been irritated with these people who needed him to heal their sick, their lame, and their blind - he could have been angry that they bothered him when all he wanted to was to be alone. His response is astonishing. He heals their sick. He helps the people that most would have considered a bother. In the midst of his own pain and grief, he shows them compassion.
I can't go back and re-do my relationship with my mother. I will never get those years back, and truthfully, I don't know that there will be a day that goes by that I don't struggle with the guilt and regret of the way things played out between us. I can use what God has shown me and taught me in the past two weeks, though, to not make the same mistakes going forward. I can't whisper to a 22-year-old me the wisdom that can be gained only by living life...but I can hang on to that wisdom going forward. I will CHOOSE to be compassionate with people in my life, in spite of my own emotions or circumstances and regardless of how they've treated me. I will CHOOSE to love the people in my life for who they are and for what they are and I will CHOOSE to see the good in people, even when there seems to be no good left.
I hope you do the same.
Until next time...
TRAIN HARD - LIFT HEAVY - FUEL YOUR BODY - FEED YOUR FAITH
F
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